Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

The loss of a loved one is painful anytime of the year, but it is especially poignant during the holidays–a time when family and friends gather to spend time with one another and reflect on the year gone by. So how do we deal with grief during what is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”?

“Holidays have a lot of stress to begin with, the stress from society and the stress we put on ourselves. That stress is tripled with grief,” says Doreen Horan, LCPC, manager of the counseling center at Stella Maris in Timonium, Maryland.

When dealing with grief, it’s important to be compassionate to yourself, according to Horan. “Allow yourself to be tolerant with your feelings,” she says, “and accept the likelihood of your pain. Accepting things are going to be different makes it a little easier. Don’t wish the pain away, but accept it.”

It’s also important to feel whatever you need to feel, whether that is sadness, anxiety, fear or despair. And it’s okay to feel differently at different times. “The only thing that’s constant is change,” says Horan. “Emotion can consume us for a day, but it can’t consume us forever.”

Finding positive, even creative ways to express your emotions is a healthy part of the healing process. Horan encourages people to find a confidante they can talk to freely, someone who will really listen. Other ways to express emotion include crying, journaling, writing a letter to your loved one, playing music or singing.

Horan also suggests taking a brisk walk, doing yoga, praying, meditating and exercising. “Whatever you choose to do, allow your feelings to move within you,” she says. “You will feel better, learn more about yourself and continue to heal.”

Support is also crucial when experiencing grief. In addition to leaning on trusted friends and other family members, feel free to contact a bereavement support group or a grief counselor. Attending religious services could also prove helpful. Volunteering is a great way to do something for others and feel good on the inside, too.

Planning ahead for the holidays also helps. Determine how you’re going to handle roles and tasks previously performed by your loved one ahead of time. “Decide if you want to continue the traditions or give it a break,” says Horan. “When planning, it’s important to plan for the holiday only. Take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Plan tentatively and remember it’s okay to change your mind.”

You can honor the memory of a loved one with a candle at their usual spot at the dinner table and sharing memories and funny stories about that person. “It’s a way to turn the negative into a positive,” says Horan.

In the midst of grieving and holiday planning, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Eat healthy and balanced meals. Sleep frequently. Drink wisely. Maintain an exercise routine. If you don’t have one, now is the perfect time to start one. “Anytime you’re stressed, it’s important to exercise,” says Horan. “Exercising releases endorphins. When your body feels better, you feel better.”

Even though times are tough, be sure to count your blessings and know that you’re never alone. “If you find the future looks bleak, reach out and ask someone to hold you and your hope and believe in you when you have difficulty believing in yourself,” Horan says. “People die, but the love you have for them never dies.”

For more information on the Grief Center at Stella Maris and its services, please visit stellamaris.com.

9/11: 10 Years Later

On December 7, 1941, President Roosevelt declared Pearl Harbor a “date which will live in infamy.” No one could have predicted there would be another one of those tragic days on September 11, 2001. What started as a beautiful, ordinary Tuesday morning would soon become a day none of us would ever forget.

Ten years ago, I was a 13-year-old high school sophomore sitting in religion class. Interestingly enough, we’d been talking about how people turn to God in times of crisis. Little did we know, we were about to witness the greatest tragedy of our young lives.

During that class, Sister Margaret Andrew walked in and told us a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I didn’t think too much of it. It was probably an accident or a small jet, I told myself. We continued our discussion. Later, Sister came back and turned on the television. The South Tower had collapsed. 

I looked on in disbelief and horror. I'd just visited the Twin Towers that summer with my family. We stood on top of the South Tower observation deck. What do you mean it isn't there anymore? A half hour later, the North Tower fell. These two giants that had dominated the NYC skyline were gone...just like that.

Our world and everything we thought we knew would change forever in that instant. I remember leaving school early and riding home with my dad, my sister and my grandmother. I've never prayed so hard in my life. I literally thought the world was going to end.

As soon as we got home, I immediately started writing in my journal. I had to get it all out about how I felt: scared, anxious, worried, nervous, sad, angry. Who could've done this to us? And, perhaps more importantly, why? I was young and naive. Like many of my colleagues that day, I feel as though we lost a bit of our innocence.

More than anything else, I remember my mom explaining to my sister and me why our dad, who is a firefighter, was upset. He'd lost 343 of his brothers. It was heartbreaking. That night, I hugged my family a little tighter and told them "I love you."

If nothing else, I think 9/11 has taught all of us to be a little more caring, a little more loving and a lot more appreciative for everyday blessings. At least, I know this is what it's taught me. So today, ten years after the horrific events in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington, D.C., let's honor those who lost their lives by hugging our family and friends and telling them we love them. After all, today is a gift and tomorrow isn't promised to us.

Daddy's Little Girl

Without fail, I always end up crying during father-daughter dances at wedding receptions. As a self-proclaimed Daddy's Girl, I can't help but get a little sentimental. Last night, I attended the wedding of two friends from college and, of course, I was teary-eyed as the bride danced with her father.

Like me, the bride has a great relationship with her father, who is also a big guy, just like my dad. Yes, my dad may look like a grizzly bear, but I swear he's a big teddy bear once you get to know him. Every time I watch a father-daughter dance, I can't help but think of the day when my own father will walk me down the aisle and we get to cut a rug. Chances are, we'll both probably be in tears.

My father has always been my number-one fan–unconditionally supporting me no matter how big my dreams get. He's always been there for me (honors assemblies, graduations, cheerleading competitions, dance recitals, etc.) and I know he will continue to be. My father has a supernatural ability to make my sister and me smile–whether it's a minor injury, bad day or a painful loss.

Growing up, my sister and I watched our father treat the women in his life–our mom, his mom and sisters, etc.–with nothing but the utmost respect and love, which is why we know how a man is supposed to treat a woman and we won't settle for less than the best.

Daddy, even though I may be growing up, I want you to know I will always be your little girl and you will always be my hero. I love you THIS MUCH. Love, Buttercup xox

Up, Up and Away!

Throughout my relatively short career as a journalist, I've had the opportunity to do some amazing things. I've interviewed celebrities (Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps, two-time "Dancing with the Stars" champion Cheryl Burke and "Ace of Cakes" star Duff Goldman), modeled in a teen magazine and gained access to some pretty cool events, such as the LPGA Tournament.

But last night, I embarked on the journey of a lifetime. I had an assignment to write about a local hot air company and decided to tag along with my friend, Nicole, who is one of the magazine photographers. What we didn't anticipate was the chance to ride in the balloon itself. In a word? Ah-mazing. Absolutely breathtaking.

Soaring 3,000 feet above the air, I did not have a care in the world. Overlooking the treetops and expansive farmland, I felt (as cliche as it sounds) one with nature. The ride was serene. I could've stayed up there forever.

It's always been a goal of mine to ride in a hot air balloon ever since my dad took my sister and me to the Preakness Celebration Balloon Festival when we were little. Now thanks to Light Flight Hot Air Balloons, I am one step closer to completing my Bucket List.

My Mama Told Me...

In honor of Mother's Day, which is this Sunday for all of you last-minute shoppers out there, I've decided to list some of the best lessons I've learned from my mother in no particular order:

1. "I'm your mother, not your friend." My mother made this very clear at an early age and I'm grateful for that. I feel as though that's the problem with some of my peers: their parents try to be their besties and don't do enough, well...parenting. Not my mom.

2. "A sale is not a sale, unless it's a least 50 percent off or more." I distinctly remember being a young girl when my mom taught me this valuable lesson. It may seem superficial to you, but it taught me a great deal about the value of a dollar and how to hunt for bargains.

3. "American Express. Never leave home without it." This lesson came during an impromptu shopping spree. Today the weapon of choice is Visa. But the point is still the same: it's okay to treat yourself to something nice every once in a while.

4. "Always hit the sale rack first. Always." Enough said.

5. "You do not need a man to complete you." My mom raised my sister and me to be smart and confident young ladies. She taught us the importance of making (and saving) our own money so we don't have to be financially dependent on anyone.

6. "You don't get a second chance to make a first impression." I distinctly remember my mom making me dress up for my first interview to get into Loyola's Leaders and Scholars summer camp back in the day. I was in the fifth grade...and I had a resume.

7. "You can never have too many pairs of shoes...or underwear." Again, I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

8. "One day we're going to be gone and all you're going to have is each other." Once my mom shared this harsh truth with my sister and me, we realized we should probably start treating each other a little nicer.

9. "God doesn't give you any more than you can bear." I know my mom didn't come up with this one, but she's been known to tell me this once or twice...usually when I didn't want to hear it. But you know how the saying goes...mama knows best.

10. "I brought you into this world and I can take you out." This one was not about fear, but rather about respect. It's no secret my mom is a little bit crazy (she admits this, so it's okay) and this quote showcases her at her finest.

Perhaps the best lesson my mom has taught me is how to be a successful career woman, loving wife and caring mother. No, she may not be all warm and fuzzy. Yes, she gives it to us straight...especially when we don't want to hear it. But at the end of the day, I know she loves us and I love her more than she'll ever know.

How Do I Love Thee?

With my sister at an O's game.

Let me count the ways. Well, apparently there are only five ways, according to Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages." The original book was intended for married couples, but given the success, Chapman wrote a version for people like me: "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition."

At the recommendation of a friend, I decided to check it out and see what all of the hype was about. I'll admit I was a bit skeptical at first. After all, love is such a complex emotion. How could one guy possibly boil it down to five "languages," or methods. But, after reading the book (and taking notes, no less!), I have to say Chapman has some pretty good points.

Basically, Chapman believes there are five languages through which we demonstrate our love for one another and prefer to be loved. Those languages are: 1. Words of Affirmation, 2. Gifts, 3. Acts of Touch, 4. Quality Time and 5. Physical Touch.

About to go snorkeling con mi madre...

Before I began reading the book, I assumed my love language would be receiving gifts. Quite simply, I love gifts. I love to receive them, but even better, I love to give them. There's nothing like high and satisfaction of finding the perfect gift for someone. Now before you think I'm a superficial spoiled brat, please allow me to explain that's not the case.

For me, it's the thought behind the gift that really excites me. A gift is a physical manifestation of someone's love for me. It says, "Hey, I saw this thing and I thought of you. I hope you like it."–that's the real gift.

But, after taking the profile assessment in the back of the book, I discovered my primary love language is quality time, closely followed by receiving gifts. After I read the chapter about quality time, my assessment made perfect sense. By my very nature, I'm a people person. I prefer to be with people than being alone. For example, before my sister was born, I created an imaginary friend named Charlie to keep me company. I sent him away to San Francisco once my sister was born, but I digress.

Chilling with Daddy.

I absolutely love spending quality time with my family and friends. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing, as long as we're together. Some of my fondest college memories took place in my college dorm with my best friends, affectionately known as The Dream Team. My family and I can manage to have just as much fun in our backyard as we do in Hawaii and Puerto Rico. I enjoy late night Waffle House dates with my sister, biking trips with my dad and shopping adventures with my mom. And when I can't be with someone physically, I love hour-long phone calls, daily texts and iChat/Gchat conversations until the wee hours of the morning.

The Dream Team.

Why? Because quality time is important to me. As Chapman says, you can love somebody all you want, but if you don't learn to speak his or her love language, it's all for naught. Since reading "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition," I've tried to identify my loved ones' languages in hopes that I can become a better daughter, sister, friend, etc. After all, there's more to love than just the romantic kind.

C is for Cupcakes

Graduation cupcakes, courtesy of my mom and sister.

A dozen of roses? No, thank you. A dozen of cupcakes? Yes, please. It's been said the best way to a guy's heart is through his stomach, but the same theory could be applied to me as well, especially if sweets are involved.

This year, I decided to give up chocolate for Lent, which has proven to be no easy feat. My greatest vice? Hershey Kisses with Almonds. Each kiss is like unwrapping a gift on Christmas morning. Luckily, I was smart enough not to part with desserts (or else I'd be a really unhappy camper right about now).

When it comes to dessert, I'm an EOE (Equal Opportunity Eater). I love pie and ice cream, but my ultimate favorite dessert has to be The Cupcake. I've conducted some research and I've determined it's pretty much physically impossible to be upset while eating a cupcake. Don't believe me? Try it. It's a decadent, palm-sized piece of sugary heaven.

With the advent of cupcakeries in just about every major city, there is no shortage of places to indulge my sweet tooth. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately for my waist size), there's a cupcakery about 15 minutes away from home. Every month, Sweet Devotion Cupcake & Creperie Cafe in Havre de Grace, Maryland has a special "cupcake of the month."

The Carrot Cake Cupcake from Sweet Devotion.

In October, there was the pumpkin cupcake with cream cheese frosting. If autumn had an official cupcake, it would be that one. This month, it's the Hummingbird cupcake–a classic Southern banana, pineapple and pecan cake with cream cheese icing and a dried pineapple flower. I've yet to try it, but I can't wait.

And the icing on the (cup)cake? The cafe also serves crepes, which I first fell in love with during a trip to Paris in 2006. My favorite is the French Toast crepe, which has melted butter, cinnamon and sugar. It's the simple things in life that make me happy, the least of which are cupcakes.

What's your favorite dessert?